Relationships are hard sometimes… Even in the most loving ones, you can find yourself locked in the same argument over and over, wondering how did we get here again?

Communication is the heartbeat of a relationship—but so often, we fumble it. Not because we’re bad people or bad partners, but because we weren’t taught how to really communicate. Most of us are doing the best we can with the tools we’ve got. But some of those tools? They're pretty rusty.

Here are 10 communication mistakes I see all the time, and more importantly, how you can shift them.

1. Talking to Win, Not to Connect

You know that moment in an argument when you're crafting your comeback while your partner is still talking? That’s not listening, that’s sparring.

Try this instead: Pause. Breathe. Drop into your body. Feel your feet on the ground. Instead of preparing your next line, try this:

“Can you say that again? I want to make sure I really hear you.”

Connection lives in curiosity, not combat.

2. Leading with “You” Instead of “I”

“You never listen.”
“You always twist my words.”
This triggers defensiveness fast.

Try this instead: Use “I” statements that speak to your experience, not their behavior. For example:

“I feel overwhelmed when I don’t feel heard.”
“I start to shut down when I feel misunderstood.”

Speak from your body. Speak from the impact, not accusation.

3. Avoiding Hard Conversations

Silence can seem safer, but over time, it erodes intimacy. What you don’t say piles up.

Try this instead: Name what’s scary.

“This is hard for me to talk about, but I want to bring it up because I care about us.”

Vulnerability is uncomfortable—but it’s also magnetic.

4. Texting About Big Things

Screens flatten emotion. Emojis can’t carry the weight of nuance.

Try this instead: If it matters, bring it to a voice. Better yet, face-to-face.
Reserve texting for logistics and “thinking of you” notes. Not, “We need to talk about how you hurt me.”

5. Going Cold or Explosive

Some shut down. Others blow up. Both come from the same place: nervous system overload.

Try this instead: Notice your signals. Do your palms get sweaty? Do you stop breathing? Start yelling?

Step away if you need to regulate. Try saying:

“I want to talk about this, but I need a moment to calm down. Can we take 15 and come back?”

Your body is not the enemy. It’s trying to protect you. Learn to listen to it.

6. Believing “If They Loved Me, They’d Know”

We expect mind-reading. When it doesn’t happen, we feel unloved.

Try this instead: Make your needs explicit, not a guessing game.

“I’d really love if you hugged me when I get home. It helps me feel close.”

Asking isn’t needy, it’s responsible.

7. Keeping Score

“Last week I did the dishes three times and you only did them once.”
This turns partnership into a competition.

Try this instead: Switch from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.”

“I’m feeling stretched thin. Can we figure out how to share the load more evenly this week?”

Share the stress, not the stats.

8. Reacting Instead of Responding

Ever said something in the heat of the moment that you didn’t mean? We all have.

Try this instead: Create a pause. Let the moment breathe.

A simple technique:

Inhale deeply through your nose.
Exhale slowly through your mouth.
Feel the ground. Then speak.

A few seconds of breath can save hours of cleanup.

9. Letting Small Grudges Build Into Big Walls

Tiny resentments are like sand easy to ignore, until they pile up and bury connection.

Try this instead: Make room for micro-repair. A check-in like:

“Hey, something’s been bugging me. It’s small, but I don’t want it to grow.”

Small honesty = big trust.

10. Forgetting to Say the Good Stuff

We focus so much on what’s not working that we forget to name what is.

Try this instead: Appreciation is free and powerful.

“Thank you for making me coffee this morning. It meant a lot.”
“I love how your laugh fills the room.”

Love needs to be seen. Say the sweet things out loud.

Please remember this…

None of us are perfect communicators. Not me. Not you. Not even that couple on Instagram who posts matching sunrise hikes.

What matters is noticing, owning, and shifting, even a little.

Relationships aren’t built in grand gestures. They’re built in the everyday moments: the pause before you snap, the brave sentence that opens a door, the reach for connection when it would be easier to retreat.

Start small. Stay curious. Speak from the heart and the body.

You're not broken. You're learning.

If you and your partner need help with all this stuff, feel free to reach out! I would be happy to provide the support and guidance. :)

Warmly,

Yana Kazekamp, LMFT

10 Communication Mistakes That Hurt Relationships (And How to Fix Them)